hard to fathom...

Well, lets just say this year's month of July wasn't the best that i've have thus far.

Early this month, our relationship has hit some "speed bumps"...well, it was mostly me with my silly thinking and tantrums i guess...but nonetheless, we got through them as always. =)

The night before my birthday, I got to talk to him for a decent amount of time. Despite the constant disconnections, he haven't been able to give me this much time on the phone for a very long time now, so I really value that call.

oh yeah, remember how I mentioned in one of my entries a while back about how he sang for me for the very first time? I could still remember it at the back of my head...he sang Raymond Lam's "Ngoi but gao"...I was deeply mesmerized that night.

Now once again, i got him to sing for me...this time he sang Wang Leehom's "Wei yi."

Despite the fact that he couldn't quite remember the whole song, deep inside...i felt very happy and pleased because it was sang by him...and that made all the difference. =)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anyways, everything was going nice so far...until i saw something i wished i could of just ignored or all-together just never seen.

So this is the thing...whenever i think of him or miss him, I would uncontrollably go visit his fb profile...sometimes just look through photos of him, check out his latest status post, and etc...

gosh i know...i sound sorta like a stalker...haha~ but really, i just wanna be as aware of him as possible. ...i wanna know when he's sad or unhappy...i want to be the first one to have his back if anything goes wrong. Ultimately, I want to feel closer to him.

Anyways, recently i've got back to logging onto friendster cuz of my birthday, and i wanted to reply everyone who had wished me a happy birthday and etc.

Since i was already on there, i thought...perhaps i should drop by his profile too (just for the heck of it...well, really cuz i miss him like always).

So as i was looking at his profile, i realized that he has updated his "featured friends"....well, its not a big deal actually...

featured frens mah~ it changes all the time...who cares right?

well, i saw this new girl listed as #1 of his featured...so out of pure curiosity, i clicked into her profile.

On the comments section of her profile i saw comments posted by him. On one of them, he wrote something like; miss n lurve bi (in multiple rows)....

.......speechless for a moment....

hmm...maybe those simple words meant nothing to him, but because those words doesn't come out easily from me (especially to ppl of the opposite sex unless i really meant it) makes it such a matter for me.....idk...

So what exactly does he treat those words as? Those words meant a lot when he says it to me...but i guess he could of easily said it to anyone.

.....his "I love you's" has officially lost its value....

So is he really 'this guy' that my friends have been saying he is all along?....."great with words, bs-ing, full of lies and etc?"

Where do i stand in his busy world?...

Suddenly, this guy, who i thought had a lot in common with me...

who i thought i got to know n understand quite well over the year...seemed so hard to fathom, so hard to figure out. I really don't know what's up there in his mind...

I don't really want to bring this up to him though...not when we just only 'recently' work through a rough patch.

Gosh, why is it always me coming up with dilemmas in this relationship? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? why am i so problematic? This relationship has made me grown to hate myself more and more.

It has slowly eaten up most of my confidence. what happened to my 'cool'?

I am so so so TIRED! Is there ever an end to these "once in every little while" painful feelings?

He once said he dislikes me being close to my guy friends...i tried to distance myself a bit...

He said i was "slow"...i try to be careful with the things and actions i do towards my frens so that i don't raise any misunderstandings.

But at the end of all this...what do i get?...

Really, i am just disappointed...=(

Geez, enuf of my whinning! This isn't the biggest "thing"...the sky is not falling yet...I just need some time to cool myself down...think more logicially...don't be too impulsive on things...

perhaps i'm just being upset for no reason...

Whatever, I better focus on my final exam tmrw...=)

"30 Things Guys Should Do For Girls"

hehe^^~ well, I didn't come up with this...as i'm not that creative.

I got this from a friend of mines. Anyways, i thought this was cute...and i must say, a lot of this stuff i totally agree!~ xD

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you WILL be mud.

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

5. DON’T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

8. If you DON’T sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...

10. Not all of them eat like birds; a lot of them can eat like whales and that is perfectly alright.

11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy.

11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring; even if it's not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you're so dumb," or something, never make any gestures back.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being
asked.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

26. Memorize their goddamn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.

27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's Day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

hahaha. So...what do u guys think? hmmm...I think a guy that actually do most of these things should be quite ideal and sweet, don't u think? =)

Madly in LovE!?...

Oh gosh! I can't get him off my head!!! I miss him so much right now!

I think of him like almost 24/7! Am I turning insane or what?!

Well, counting back from February 18th...it has ALMOST been two months now...

At first, when we first started...a lot came  through my head...

I had my doubts, my concerns,  my insecurities, my worries, and my fears....

I first DOUBTED whether or not he likes me.

I was then CONCERNED that maybe i would not be a good enough girlfriend for him and end up hurting him at the end.

Later I felt INSECURE and wondered if he's gotten sick of me and tired of putting up with this long distance relationship.

Then after every short period of time where i didn't get to talk to him...i started to get WORRIED, that maybe he's forgotten about me.

But despite all of these thoughts...i've nonetheless fallen deeper in love with him by the second...seriously...

Its true that sometimes little things that he does will make me unhappy at times(though i've never really mentioned this to him).  

For example, him saying... he'll get back to me later and then he never did....

Or sometimes i could sense that he's hiding something  from me but when we talk about it he just brushes me off...

And then there's these times where he becomes so preoccupied that I don't even get to hear from him till daysS later. And then when he does get back to me, its always the same reason...he's just been too "busy"....(but its not really his fault, i know...its the distance n the major time difference.)

However, despite all of these things...I can't seem to make myself not care about him any less or suppress myself from loving him. Its as if love can really look past everything! (n i used to thought that was all 'BS'). 

And now, as days go by...my love for him has only steadily grown and piled on...

Just thinking about not being able to talk to him anymore and have him say that he truly loves me, would bring tears to my eyes.

The idea of life without him anymore hurts me tremendously...

Honestly, I really didn't thought I would have that feeling in me anymore....

At first i thought it was just simply a 'liking' for him...n then the "curiosity" to see how it would be like to have him become a lil closer then just a friend, to have him become my boyfriend...

But unknowingly, this so-called bf has taken such an important place in my heart that i can un-hesitantly  say that there is no more room for anyone else at this point.

He has become such a big part of my life. 

Originally, I only have two top priorities in my life.

That is; family and education....

But now i have three. 

The more I sorted out the feelings that i'm having right now, the more  I FEARED.

The more i love him, the more i feared that i'll lose him somewhere along the way. 

I fear that one day he's gonna tell me that he has lost "it." And then he's just gonna slowly push me away and ignore me.

Now you tell me...am I crazy or what?

I mean, we are merely just young adults! This is probably just 'one' of the many more relationships that has yet to come for us...

Our relationship will probably just be another 'experience' builder in our love life right?

But why is it that my feelings for him has become so strong?

Somehow, I'm afraid to have him know how i feel right now...

I'm afraid that this deep passionate feeling that I have for him right now is just my one sided-ness...and after he finds out how serious i feel about him...that it'll stress him out and scare him away....

Gosh, I hate to be so vulnerable...n leaving my heart open like this...

I seriously have no self-control right now....no one can stop me from loving him, not even myself...

I guess only he can....

My Questions N' Thoughts.

hmm...we haven't talked to each other for awhile recently...

Maybe its what i said the other time...i don't know...

Maybe he's just too stressed out and tired to face me right now.....

I guess what i said was a bit 'out there'...i make it sound so easy...when its really not at all, considering the changes he will have to go through and the planning he has to make.

Its like taking a "chance", a "gamble", and your not sure what's your outcome...

I've been kind of thinking about what he said lately...

And i really want to know more...I wanna clearly understand everything...what exactly is he thinking inside...what is it that he really wants...what are all the setbacks and problems thats keeping him from it...?

That way, maybe i can help him sort out his worries and concerns. 

Maybe we can figure out a plan or a solution together....

I don't know, maybe that sounds kinda silly...as i'm quite lost with my own life as well.

I really wanna help him, but just don't quite know how, exactly.

I guess, when he wants or needs my opinion he'll eventually tell me.

Until then, i'll just leave it as that...

*******

Actually, I have a lot on my mind lately as well...

You know me...i get those moments once every so period of time....

I'm kind of feeling a bit frustrated right now...

Hate my current condition...it's as if i'm not making any progress or improvement in my life...like i'm just kinda 'stuck'...i don't know....

Sometimes, I just really hate myself...

Wish time could go back for just a little bit...just enough so that i could correct the mistakes i've made.

But i know that's never gonna happen....=(

hehe...don't worry guys, my current mood is just temporary. 

I wanna say thanks to those of you who actually noticed and cared to ask me what's wrong...

I just need to reaffirm myself on my goals, and remind myself on the necessary steps and plans that i've made for myself...

and finally, PUSH myself to follow it!

hmm...just like this quote that i've read from somewhere, 

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but remember...it's never too late!"---"Anyone can start today and make a new ending."

My "ending" is in own my hands...no one can make it happen except for myself...

This world is quite realistic, If you want something...you better darn well achieve it yourself.

We are no longer little kids...we can't expect our parents to "spoon-feed" everything to us anymore.---which is kinda sad cuz i actually enjoyed it. yum~ lol, jkjk

Anyways, you get my point...

*haha, actually i'm saying all to this to remind myself...as u guys all probably know this already...or maybe don't agree with me...

Whatever, either way...this is just a reinforcement for myself...

My swe3t liL study break...

Ok, that was quite a memorable night...actually, its considered morning since it was around 1-2am at my place.

That night i was kinda stressed out actually...freakin out about my philosophy exam as the further I read in my textbook, the more confused i became. 

As i was going over the materials with one of my friend (through AIM), HE (i'm using "he" as u guys are most familiar with tht) called me.

So of course I told my friend that i'll "brb", as i gotta give my dear my full attention right? Lol. =P

Hehe, so we started off with asking each other lil things like what were we doing right now and etc.

Later, we talked about songs...and i mentioned how some of the songs that he had mentioned or recommended to me awhile back actually kinda relate to us. For example "Lucky" by Jason Mraz, and "Lovebug" by the Jonas Brothers...

And his response was something like, "duh? It was suppose to...but who knew you would be so slow mah!" 

haha, gosh...i'm secretly admitting it now as i'm writing in my blog...that indeed, I am kinda slow. lol, but i'm not gonna admit that in front of him. hehe. =P

Anyways, so the next thing leads to another... n, n, n I actually got him to sing for me! 

It was kinda inconsiderate of me though cuz he wasn't feeling so well, and yet i wanted to hear his voice...so the only option was to have him sing...keke*

Hmm...i dunno, maybe its just me...but I always get so transfixed whenever i hear a guy (not those typical famous "guy" singers, but an ordinary person that i know) sing!

But this time, i thought it was twice as mesmerizing and sweet since it was from HIM, and also because I got to be his 'only' audience. 

***Just the idea that he's taking up a part of his 'limited' time that he has to himself...just to call me and please me by singing me songs,  was very sweet of him. I was kinda touched and it makes me feel special in a way. heehee~ =)

Lol, but as i was enjoying my time with my him, i totally forgot about my friend that i told to wait.

Gosh, i felt kinda bad...as i shouldn't of said "brb", since my conversation with HIM took well over an hour. 

Cuz i know if it was me, i would of probably stayed around and waited for 20-40mins maX(depending on the person) and just say goodbye n left. Of course, i would feel not so happy as well, since that person had said "brb" instead of "g2g or tty some other time."

However, as i returned to my computer, i realized that had not signed off yet! He actually stayed up just to wait for me to come back! wow, so silly...in a good way. =)

Hmm...i truly value ppl that actually do what they say. 

He said he'll wait, and he did...

I felt bad and pleased at the same time. Lol, how contradicting...

So yeah... from now on, I'll try to do the same...

Whenever i say "I'll call you right back or later", I'm gonna make sure that i do that. =)

---Just as one of my childhood teachers had often said to all of us when we were little, 

"Treat others the way you would like to be treated back!"...i think that is something that should still stay with us as we grow up...

Of course she also mentioned things like, "Keep your hands to yourself", and etc.

But we could just put that one behind our heads for now, since we are all "grown-ups" now, and just focus on the first one that i've mentioned. Lol~ =P

HelLO?...can you hear me?

"Hello?...can you hear me?"

"err...nth nth nth..."

Those were the words that we said the most to each other throughout our phone conversations...Lol~ =)

Hehe^^... actually, its all my fault because I always make him repeat his words like a thousand times!!! lol. 

Although I was not able to fully hear every single one of his words clearly, just the idea of being on the phone with him makes me feel so excited and happy. In a way, it makes me feel like at the 'moment'...he's all mine, i have his undivided attention, and suddenly...we are drawn a lil closer to each other...(metaphorically)

I was able to hear the little sounds he makes...

study the way he speaks...

adore his every little giggle and laughter... 

notice his lil coughs...

I don't know...the feeling is kinda hard to explain...

I just cherish every little time we have talking to each other.

Ok, no...i'm not feeling butterflies in my stomach~ not that dramatic=.=" Lol.

But noticing that he's happy and laughing, just makes me twice as happy...I hope this never stops...

hmm...I'm a bit blind right now...lol, ignoring every possible problem we might eventually have...just enjoying the moment as it comes...

So don't burst my bubble!~=)

To all of u who gave me comments~=)

First of all, I wanna say thanks for actually taking the time to leave me some comments. I really appreciate it. =)

Secondly, I wanna apologize to all of you because i had never paid attention or notice the comments before. Therefore, I didn't reply/respond to you guys. 

But since those comments were so long ago, i think its kind of late for me to respond to them now. 

Anyways, I'll try to respond to all my recent and future ones from now on...

*******

• btw, what's with all the 'anonymous' comments?...i wanna know who u are!=P
  

         ---ok fine, i'm not gonna force ya~=)

• maybe you guys could be nicer when your talking about HIM?
  

         ---cuz its kind of mean, n i didn't write all of these blog entries so that you guys would all grow to hate him.=)

Thanks again! XoxO~=)